I've been feeling mighty overwhelmed lately. Between work, kids, the two qualifications I'm doing and trying to stay on top of new releases, keep this place updated, be active on the few forums I'm on, keeping in touch with friends, etc. I just don't feel like I have enough hours in the day to do everything I want/need to.
As most of you will know, I was a stay at home mum for a few years, and even back then I struggled to stay on top of everything, but now it just feels like a never-ending battle trying to manage everything. I get up in the morning and I get the wee man ready for school and get ready for work. I work all day, and when I get home I have to make dinner and then do baths. By the time everything is out of the way, we need to get the kids to bed. Then Allan and I only have a few hours together before I need to go to bed, to start the whole process over in the morning.
We don't get any proper time to just be "us". Obviously the wee man is at school during the week, and he stays at one gran's house (Lizzy - Allan's mum) on a Friday and the other's (Caroline, my mum) on a Saturday, but we only get a few hours without Eva on a Friday when she goes to Lizzy's. By the time I'm home from work, Eva is almost ready to come home again. If we go to the cinema when I finish work, then we don't really get any time outside of the length of the movie.
I was at my cousin Laura's baby shower today and everyone was discussing holidays they've booked and parties they're planning and it just made me feel so broken. We've been on one holiday together and that was only because we won it, so everything was paid for and we just needed spending money (and getting childcare for that, when it was just the wee man - Eva didn't yet exist - was hard enough). I've never had a party. Allan had an 18th but I didn't get one as I was pregnant at the time. Neither of us had a 21st, although I think we did do something on his 21st (as a friend shares the same birthday as him so think we all just had a night in for it). I didn't get a baby shower for either of my pregnancies - which I defended by always saying I didn't mind as "they're just an excuse to get presents" but really it was just because I don't have anyone to organise anything like that for me.
It's so pathetic to feel this way for something so pointless but I just feel like I'm missing out. Ugh. I'm so annoyed with myself for feeling like this, especially as there's so much worse stuff happening in the world, but I can't help it.
Everyone today talking about everything they've got planned, even the ones with kids just talking about going away on a child-free holiday for a week or two, and there I am just sitting there thinking "I wish I could even just have a child-free night" but that's a rare occasion and we feel like we've practically got to beg for that as nobody ever truly wants to take Eva (even for a few hours, never mind overnight) - they're fine with Allan but Eva is such a handful that nobody wants her and it's not fair on her, or us.
We love our kids, and we love that we've had them young enough to still run around and be daft with them, but it hurts to have missed out on all of the things that people in their late-teens and twenties get to enjoy. We can count on our hands the number of times we've been on a night-out in the time we've been together, as said before, we've only had one holiday and we're stuck renting a shitty house in an even shittier area instead of being able to save up for a deposit for a mortgage (which is especially harder as only one of us can work full time due to childcare reasons). We want to get married, but that's probably a million years in the future/never (when originally, I had wanted to be married at 25, and I'm now four months away from being 26). I still want to get married, but now that my dad is gone, the thought of walking down the aisle alone really hurts.
Allan is equally as stressed out as myself. He is going stir-crazy being stuck in the house as a stay at home dad. He still works at the weekend, but this means that since we don't really get proper time away from the kids, neither of us ever gets an actual "day off". We're either working, or looking after the kids. We rarely get to see friends, unless they come to us, as we've always got the kids. In the couple of hours a week that we don't have them, we always say we're gonna go to the cinema, or out for a meal, etc. but instead we end up just sitting on our arses watching YouTube, because it's the first time we've been able to just sit down and relax.
Talking to family member's today did make me feel a little better about some things (aside from the talk of holidays and parties) as my Auntie Margaret talked of how she had "Sunday Blues" every week when my cousin Nicole was a baby. She would just cry all day on a Sunday, because she couldn't keep on top of things. I nodded in agreement with her, because shit is hard. I look at friends and family who have loads of options in terms of people to babysit, and I feel so outrageously jealous that they have a wealth of people desperate to look after their kids, even for an afternoon. Friends with numerous siblings, all of whom will take a turn to take the kids and allow them to get their houses in order, have a nap, or just fucking eat their lunch without it going cold.
It's a frustrating situation to be in, and one that I hope gets better soon, especially as Eva is getting a bit bigger and will hopefully get a place at nursery soon. But until then I will just have to continue putting on my outward face of "everything's fine" even when my mind is frazzled and I'm within an inch of screaming.
Apologies for the huge, depressing rant, but I just needed to get how I'm feeling out. Annoyingly, writing it all down hasn't made me feel any better, but eh, what can you do.
- V x
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